Just a tickle !! Go on read …

~~~~~~

Lady: Is this my train?

Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi .
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
~~~~~~

A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."


~~~~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

~~~~~~~~~

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter ?

~~~~~~~~~

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."
~~~~~~~~

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

~~~~~~~~~~

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

~~~~~~~~~~

Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

~~~~~~~~~~

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions .
~~~~~~~~~~

Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

~~~~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

~~~~~~~

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.
~~~~~~~~~~

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
' How long has what been going on?' said the man.

~~~~~~~~~~

Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
~~~~~~~~~~
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

~~~~~~~~~~

Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

~~~~~~~~~~

How people write Leave-Applications...

It's murder of English language. But Too Funny.

Just Read It.

The Leave Applications;)

Infosys , Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife , please sanction me one-week leave."

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This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head , please leave me for two days.."

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From H.A.L. Administration Dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it , please grant me 10 days leave."

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Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return , please grant me half day casual leave"

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An incident of a leave letter:

"I am suffering from fever , please declare one-day holiday."

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A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

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Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."

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Covering note:

"I am enclosed herewith..."

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Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my below..."

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Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

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Letter writing:-

"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

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A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience , I am applying for the post.

OnLy In PaKiStAn...!

One liners...

• Love thy neighbour. But don't get caught.
  
  
• "Work fascinates me". I can look at it for hours!
  
  
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
  
  
• How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
  
  
• Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
  
  
• A bus station is where a bus stops... a train station is where a train stops... on my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say.............

Murphy's Laws of Computers

• Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

• Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.

• If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

• If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

• Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.

• The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.

• Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

• Every non- trivial program has at least one bug
  Corollary 1 - A sufficient condition for program triviality is that it have no bugs.
  Corollary 2 - At least one bug will be observed after the author leaves the organization.

• Bugs will appear in one part of a working program when another 'unrelated' part is modified.

• The subtlest bugs cause the greatest damage and problems.
  Corollary - A subtle bug will modify storage thereby masquerading as some other problem.

• Lulled into Security Law
  A 'debugged' program that crashes will wipe out source files on storage devices when there is the least available backup.

• A hardware failure will cause system software to crash, and the customer engineer will blame the programmer.

• A system software crash will cause hardware to act strangely and the programmers will blame the customer engineer.

• Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

• Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

• Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers can not write in English.

• The documented interfaces between standard software modules will have undocumented quirks.

• The probability of a hardware failure disappearing is inversely proportional to the distance between the computer and the customer engineer.

• A working program is one that has only unobserved bugs.

• No matter how many resources you have, it is never enough.

• Any cool program always requires more memory than you have.

• When you finally buy enough memory, you will not have enough disk space.

• Disks are always full. It is futile to try to get more disk space. Data expands to fill any void.

• If a program actually fits in memory and has enough disk space, it is guaranteed to crash.

• If such a program has not crashed yet, it is waiting for a critical moment before it crashes.

• No matter how good of a deal you get on computer components, the price will always drop immediately after the purchase.

• All components become obsolete.

• The speed with which components become obsolete is directly proportional to the price of the component.

• Software bugs are impossible to detect by anybody except the end user.

• The maintenance engineer will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

• It is axiomatic that any spares required will have just been discontinued and will be no longer in stock.

• Any VDU, from the cheapest to the most expensive, will protect a twenty cent fuse by blowing first.

• Any manufacturer making his warranties dependent upon the device being earthed will only supply power cabling with two wires.

• If a circuit requires n components, then there will be only n - 1 components in locally-held stocks.

• A failure in a device will never appear until it has passed final inspection.

• Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

• A program generator creates programs that are more buggy than the program generator.

• All Constants are Variables.
  Sent by Risto Matikainen

• Constants aren't

• Variables won't
  The last two laws were sent by Hnathoo

• A part dropped from the workbench will roll to a degree of un-reachability proportional to its importance.
  Sent by Neal Buddenberg

• In a transistor circuit protected by a fuse, the transistor will always blow to protect the fuse.
  Sent by Neal Buddenberg

• The best way to see your boss is to access the internet.
  Or...
  No matter how hard you work, the boss will only appear when you access the internet.

• The hard drive on your computer will only crash when it contains vital information that has not been backed up.
  The last two laws were sent by Charles L. Mays

• Computers don't make errors-What they do they do on purpose.
  Sent by Terry Jaster

• If Murphy's laws are so true then how come I can log onto this site and submi............
  [connection reset - error message 928 ]
  Sent by Paul Breen

• Gumption's Law (?)
  Any problem, no matter how complex, can be found by simple inspection.
  Corollary: A nagging intruder with unsought advice will spot it immediately.
  Sent by Ray Geist who found it handy when he was debugging computer code.

• Each computer code has five bugs, and tis number does not depend on how many bugs have been already found (it is conservative).
  Sent by Andrew

• Profanity is one language all computer users know.
  Sent by Jeff Webb

• The number of bugs always exceeds the number of lines found in a program.
  Sent by Yaron Budowski

• The most ominous words for those using computers: "Daddy, what does 'Now formatting Drive C mean'?"
  Sent by Yael Dragwyla

• When putting something into memory, always remember where you put it.
  Sent by Paul Pigott

• Every non-trivial program contains at least one bug.

• Every non-trivial program can be simplified by at least one line of code.
  The conclusion of the last two laws: Every non trivial program can be simplified to one line of code, and it will contain a bug.
  Sent by Brandon Aiken

• An expert is someone brought in at the last minute to share the blame.
  Sent by Bassey Essien.

• Debugging is at least twice as hard as writing the program in the first place.
  So if your code is as clever as you can possibly make it, then by definition you're not smart enough to debug it.
  Sent by Brian Kernighan

• Bahaman's Law:
  for any given software, the moment you manage to master it, a new version appears.
  Sent by Bahaman.
  Yakko's addition:
  The new version always manages to change the one feature you need most.
  Sent by Yakko

• Patches - don't.
  Sent by Doru Tasca

• Most computer errors can be attributed to a similar problem - a screw loose behind the keyboard.

• Whenever you need a crucial file from the server, the network will be down.

• Whenever you need a crucial file from your hard drive, your computer will crash.

• E-mailed tasking will always come just before you log off.

• A quarantined virus - will be opened.

• A chain letter - will be sent. To global. A dozen times.

• The chance of a virus infecting your network is directly proportional to the amount of damage it does.

• The chances of getting off work on time is inversely proportional to how much e-mail the boss leaves for until end of the day.

• The faster you need a hardcopy, the more people will be using the only office printer.

• General Fault Errors are the "Check Engine" light of computers. If it can be fixed, chances are it's not by you.

• A patch is a piece of software which replaces old bugs with new bugs.

• The chances of a program doing what it's supposed to do is inversely proportional to the number of lines of code used to write it.
  The last twelve laws were sent by Ryan Sylvester

• The probability of forgetting your password is directly proportional to the frequency of changing it.

• No matter how fantastic your latest and greatest PC is, you will be able to buy it for half the price in 12 months.
  The last two laws were sent by Zain

• The longer it takes to download a program the more likely it won't run.
  Sent by Skwirl

• Failure is not an option, it's included with the software.
  Sent by Paul

• A program is good when it's bug free - which is impossible.
  Sent by Hans van Rijsse

• If you forget to save you're work every 5 minutes, it will break down after you've been at it for an hour.
  Sent by Eric Guilbault

• It's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature.

• The amount of time taken to successfully complete a software project is in direct proportion to the amount of Marketing input.
  Corollary: Marketing should not be located in the same city - much less on the same campus - as Engineering and/or Programming.

• The only thing worse than an end-user without a clue is an end-user who has a clue - usually the wrong one.

• According to most Tech Support people, the most common user error message (regardless of Operating System) is ID 10T.
  End-users' Corollary 1: most application failures occur between the hours of 2 and 4 am on a Sunday night - with a 6 am Monday deadline for the project.
  End-users' Corollary 2: On the graveyard shift, there's no Tech Support to hear you scream!
  The last four laws and corollaries were sent by Jim Kirk

• Bugs mysteriously appear when you say, "Watch this!"
  corollary: If you call another programmer over to see if he knows what's wrong the bug disappears.
  The corollary was sent by S. Bussell.

• The probability of bugs appearing is directly proportional to the number and importance of people watching.
  The last two laws were sent by Bill Smith.

• An employee rank is in inverse proportion to his use of a computer, and in proportion to its performance.
  Sent by Dan Wasson

• The only program that runs perfectly every time, is a virus
  Sent by DaRk_jAcKaL

• If a project is completed on schedule, it wasn't debugged properly.

• Non Crash Operating System aren't.

• The worst bugs in your program will show up only during the final review.
  The last three laws were sent by Kiran

• The people who say that computers are simple to use are the same people who tell you how to build a watch when you ask what time it is.
  Sent by Jack Betz

• Philington's First Law
  If it works, it's production. If it doesn't, it's a test.

• Philington's Second Law
  Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
  The last two laws were sent by Philip Partington

• Format C: fixes all
  Sent by Ron Westby

• Law of Computer Generated Aerodynamics
  Computers suck.

• Law of Recycling
  A computer that has been on the market for 6 weeks is still usable as a boat anchor.

• Law of Anti-security
  The best way past a pesky security feature is a 13-year-old.

• Law of Acceleration
  A computer that has surpassed its user's frustration capacity (FC) will accelerate downwards at 9.8 meters per second squared.
  The last four laws were sent by Timothy Boilard

• Computers let you waste time efficiently
  Sent by Jim F.

• Make a system even a moron can use and a moron will use it.

• Make one that requires training or intelligence and only a moron will use it, but there will be more help desk calls.
  Sent by S. Bussell

• The likelihood of problems occurring is inversely proportional to the amount of time remaining before the deadline.

• You will always discover errors in your work after you have printed/submitted it.
  The last two laws were sent by Niels Hageman

• 90% of a programmer errors come from data from other programmers.
  Sent by Emanuel

• 'Illegal Error' messages only happen when you forget to save your work
  Sent by Abdul Mohsin

• If you make the letters in your Word document bigger and then you print it out, you'll have everything on the first page and only one line on the second.
  Sent by Nadine

• the OEM did not actually manufacture the part you need to replace
  Sent by Bryan Lord

• By the time you learn your new computer you'll need a new one.
  Sent by romanaround

• After a software is released, the first bug found will be by a person who normally does not use that portion of the program but was wondering why he can't do something he normally would not do.
  Sent by Rick G.

• When the Downloading Window says "99%complete", there will be a fluctuation in the voltage and you'll have to start all over again.
  Sent by Sagar Kalantre

• Millions of people believe they are animals, but I have yet to meet one that believe in Windows' stability. Even human stupidity has limits ;-)
  Sent by Sylvain Galibert

• The troubleshooting guide contains the answer to every problem except yours.
  Sent by Jesse Janowiak

SMART PEOPLE...

SMART PEOPLE

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Dumb man + smart woman = affair

Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

HOME TRUTHS

A man will pay Rs 200 for a Rs 100 item he needs

A woman will pay Rs 100 for a Rs 200 item that she doesn't need

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & NOT try to understand her at all

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing

FAMILY AFFAIRS

Beautiful girls don't bother me. I wish they would !

The only woman who can make me wish to be single again is my wife

A good wife is like the ivy which beautifies the building to which it clings, twining its tendrils more lovingly as time converts the ancient edifice into a ruin

Only Adam had no mother-in-law. That's how we know he lived in paradise

When you're bored with yourself, marry and be bored with someone else

God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman and God help him still more if he finds her

When a man declares “I am sure of my wife" it means he is sure of his wife. But when a woman declares "I am sure of my husband" it means she is sure of herself

Aren't they a lovely couple? He's willing to die for her and she's willing to let him

"What happened to that handsome man who sent you flowers every week?" "He married the girl who sold him the flowers"

Rakesh : "Broken off your engagement to Meena?" Mahesh :"She would not have me." Rakesh : "You should have told her about your rich uncle in Bombay. " Mahesh : "I did. She is my aunt now"

When Ma disapproved the girl her son wanted to marry, a friend told the young man, "You must find a girl who is like your mother." Several months later, the young man told his friend, "I finally found a girl who looks, talks and acts just like my mother ." "Congratulations!" said his friend. "Not yet", said the young man and added, "this time my father objected !"

On our first wedding anniversary my aunt gave us a colour TV as a present. She said, "Beti, the colour TV is for your husband, this remote control is for you."

The Perfect Worker

> > > The Perfect Worker

> > >

> > > 1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

> > > 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

> > > 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

> > > 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

> > > 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

> > > 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

> > > 7 breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no

> > > 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

> > > 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

> > > 10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

> > > 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

> > > 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

> > > 13 executed as soon as possible.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Addendum:

> > > That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today

> > > Kindly re-read the odd-numbered lines only.

> > >